Quotes

• "Jay, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm proud to have Irish in da blood." - Nick "...shut the fuck up." - Jay



• "Samwise, you dick!" - Joel



• "Beastiality ain't cheating!" - Joel



• "What are you, black?" - Nick "Compared to these whiteys, yeah." - Bob



• "I think you should somehow quote me. I fucking rule. I say funny things." - Shelly



• "Three years later, Phil's datin' her..." - Josh



• "She probably fucked him the first time they met." - Nick



• "I wasn't stalking her at the time." - Nick



• "Up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A, start." - Bob "Select, start. There are two of us." - Scott



• "What college does your sister go to?" - Bob "Pensey... Penser... is there a Spencer?" - Scott "I thought it was Oneonta..." - Bob



• "Damn your riddles, Burgess!" - Pat



• "You could probably give pretty good head." - Becky



• "Hydrocodone is a cough suppressant... but it's also a powerful narcotic!" - Jay



• "Aww... I'm eatin' mother fuckin' pie here!" - Joel



• "What the fuck are you doing, gypsy?" - Joel



• "Bob... you must know that Mike DeGraw always scores... one way or the other." - Mike



• "Ya Catwoman and Venom shit!" - Bob



• "Why is there a condom in this menu?" - Bob



• "You gotta stop crying..." - Scott



• "You were yelling at stop signs." - Scott



• "Cuz I'm a pedophile." - Nick



• "Until I met Joel, I never got kicked out of anywhere." - Kelly



• "Do you need me to pull out?" - Jason "No, I'm fine." - Bob "Oh, so I can come inside you?" - Jason



• "And all of a sudden, we're making out in the middle of the street." - Jason



• "Nick, you're never gonna see me again!" - Jason



• "FOR A JEW!" - Jason



• "Have you changed your sheets?" - Kelly



• "I see she's got piercings... eye, tongue, anything else?" - Jason. "Yeah. Clit." - Nick



• "I'm joking... she was thirteen." - Nick



• "I like how Jason left this bar and people start comin' in... he was like kryptonite on this bitch." - Joel



• "Shit's longer than a python by now..." - Bob



• "He looks kinda like my uncle. That's scary." - Joel



• "Did you remember my quote? You didn't, did you?" - Pat



• "Your ass bleeds from dry humping?" - Pat



• "Oh shit, Nick, you grabbed more than Becky did." - Joel



• "I don't know why Joel and I didn't have sex years ago." - Becky



• "Cuz I act drunk when I'm sober." - Nick



• "Nothin' beats Hooters wings." - Nick



• "...and I'm kind of a slut." - Jason



• "Dude... bomb us... that'll just give me something else to make fun of and put on a shirt." - Mike



• "Now the fuckin' Asians are on to me, Bobby." - Chad



• "What's up with him and his little eyes?" - Chad



• "Random hookups at Best Buy." - Joel



• "Oh, Burgess, you look so pretty..." - Chad



• "I just want him to leave a message...'Hi, I'm a big, indecisive Jew'." - Shelly



• "It's just a mystical creature that flies and grabs you." - Chad



• "I think Mister Wizard was the terrorist responsible for some bombs and shit." - Jay



• "The Vatican can suck my limp, drunken dick." - Jay



• "What's 'Food Rocks'?" - Chuck "It's where food dances and tells you how good it is to eat it." - Sean



• "Oh shit, I got chocolate on it." - Sean



• "What have you seen here that hasn't been a lie?" - Scott



• "I think we've been eating like hobbits." - Sean



• "Look at how huge this seat is... it's like Cinderella had a huge butt." - Chuck



• "I JUST WANT FUNNEL CAKE!" - Scott



• "You and Crackles have gotta die!" - Sean



• "If Norway has so much oil, why don't we go to war with them?" - Sean



• "Did you say 'potato ship'?" - Sean "Dictatorship." - Bob



• "You're such an ass!" - Chuck



• "Is this Borg technology?!" - Scott



• "I'm gonna fuck all the animal kingdom." - Joel



• "I pissed so deep, you can see grass." - Joel



• "You can't go wrong with cherries." - Scott



• "We should buy a lot of Pepsi, bottle it up, and call it wap sauce." - Nick



• "I'll stand by that 'til I get buried in calzones." - Joel



• "...and he says 'I love Judas Priest'..." - Jay



• "He can't get it to fit because she's so young and tight." - Nick



• "I think God and Satan are both goofy mother fuckers." - Matt



• "Cuz what niggas will do for pie." - Nick



• "Yeah, I'm feeling gooood, gonna get some aaass." - Nick



• "When your ex-girlfriend thinks you're gay... that's bad." - Nick



• "If I see one-eye tucked under the asshole... whew... I want my money back." - Joel



• "That dumb hooch fucked me STD style." - Random guy at Denny's



• "I hope you like attention, Scott." - Bob "What do you mean?... oh, because they're gonna be screaming." - Scott



• "I'm not sure it was Adam. I was really, really drunk." - Shelly



• "You can touch the Wugs if you pet my tit... faster!... FASTER!" - Joel



• "...but if I have sex with Mommy AND Daddy..." - Joel (Silently) "Family." - Bob "Yep yep yep yep yep yep YEP!" - Joel



• "RABBITS!" - Bob



• "I can't see my ass..." - Joel



• "Porn has the greatest music." - Chad



• "All of our pirates always end up as pirates." - Chad



• "I suppose there is a little Jew magic involved." - Jason



• "I would yell at Stewart's clerks because they were still working." - Joel



• "I met the girl of my dreams." - Nick "She gives you money then gives you a lapdance?" - Joel



• "It's either fourteen or forty." - Nick



• "Your bleu cheese is oozing on my celery." - Kelly



• "My dick will be out that window." - Joel



• "Britain is about to invade Italy." - Bob



• "This spider's about to bite my tit." - Becky

(updated 10/21/03)

• "If you are a Jew, I smell a fuckin' Agent." - Joel
   
• "Both of my sisters are hot." - Proctor
  
  
• "DNA in the hair is not rape." - Nick
  
  
• "Everybody talks like it's some shit, but it ain't shit, it's just shit." - Jay
  
  
• "I've never seen one of those before... I've role-played them once." - Proctor
  
  
• "You need those layers!" - Jay
  
  
• "I touched his dick piercing!" - Joel
  
  
• "'See this badge?! I can kill people!'" - Josh
  
  
• "I can't believe I'm spotting urination..." - Josh
  
  
• "...I think I saw his testicles." - Shelly
  
  
• "I don't know where those jeans ended and her ass began." - Bob
  
  
• "...and maggots got all over my scepter and shit." - Josh
  
  
• "Food tastes like crap." - Josh
  
  
• "Fuck Radiohead." - Nick
  "Alright! We know you don't like them! I paid a dollar for the song, I
  didn't pay a dollar to hear you bitch!" - Joel
  
  
• "She's had sex with a lot of my friends." - Shelly
  
  
• "If it rains, I'm gonna flip out and kill people." - Bennett
  
  
• "Every time my car stalls out, a piece of my manhood goes down the drain." -Bennett
  
  
• "It smells like rubber bands out here." - Becky
  
  
• "Shut up, Tropicana." - Joel
  
  
• "I'm not smart enough to be in the quote book." - Brooke
  
  
• "And here I am, leaving my strap-on at home." - Shelly
  
  
• "I'm sorry, but the ranch drips." - Jay
  
  
• "It's fifty! Sweet Jesus!" - Mike
  
  
• "I'm fucked. Because even if I become a lesbian, I'll have to listen to my
  girlfriend bitch." - Amanda/Jockey/Bukkake
  
  
• "Jay's got a nasty bite. He's like a komodo dragon, man!" - Chad
  
  
• "Do you wanna know where I learned to drive drunk?" - Nick
  
  
• "He smells like Chad." - Joel
  
  
• "I wanna sleep with your father, Chad." - Joel
  
  
• "The one thing I hate about syrup is that it's really sticky and it gets
  everywhere." - Chad
  
  
• "You may believe in the black arts, but I don't." - Scott
  
  
• "I statutory vision raped her. There's a difference." - Chad
  
  
• "I hate Spanish people." - Mike
  
  
• "Getting laid tomorrow! It's been two weeks!" - Jay
  
  
• "I just want to drink and look at girls all night." - Chad
  
  
• "Fuckin' Last of the Mohicans on that shit!" - Chad
  
  
• "'Til my balls grow." - Shelly
  
  
• "Me and Bob are weird." - Chad
  
  
• "I don't even remember when I've been laid last." - Shelly
  
  
• "What is Nick even eating?" - Bob
  "Pussy?!" - Chad
  
  
• "Alcohol does not apply to asthma, dude." - Chad
  
  
• "Why the fuck do you gotta play riddles?" - Bob
  
  
• "I like Saddam Hussein. He's a good actor." - Jay
  
  
• "I picture people blowing Nick. Is that weird?" - Jay
  
  
• "Chad is like a furry baby." - Shelly
  
  
• "Chad, you just put thirteen dollars in your mouth!" - Bob
  
  
• "I didn't think it could mean 'Let's have sex'... or... 'let's touch each
  others' genitals...'" - Chad
  
  
• "Nick really likes to work the bell curve in our group. He loves Metallica
  and he hates Radiohead." - Chad
  
  
• "There's a lot of hair in this car." - Proctor
  
  
• "Tracy can't be trusted to operate knives at twenty-two years old!" - Josh
  
  
• "'That psychology class I took really helped me learn how to shotgun the
  Beast!'" - Bob
  
  
• "Let's keep the names on the DL." - Jay
  
  
• "If I was a girl, I'd masturbate to you." - Joel
  
  
• "I love the chicken and the broccoli and the little Jimmy hats...they look
  like little condoms!" - Chad
  
  
• "Trucker's Treat is one step up from suicide." - Szot
  
  
• "Don't blame the drugs... if you're a bitch, you're a bitch." - Jay
  
  
• "I'll give the bitch a goodbye dick in the face." - Nick
  
  
• "YOU'RE OVER THERE DYKIN' IT!" - Joel
  
  
• "I masturbated last night. I shot a big fat load and I was proud." - Josh
  
  
• "Titty milk be comin' out my mother fucker." - Joel
  
  
• "I still think there's a little girl in that kennel." - Joel
  
  
• "You can't smoke up with shit." - Joel
  
  
• "I think I could make some damn good porn." - Shelly
  
  
• "Jay, do you do coke?" - Josh
  
  
• "I've had a crush on Johnny Depp since Wayne's World." - Nick
  
  
• "Why couldn't I be black?" - Jay
  "I don't know... cuz you're white." - Chad
  
  
• "When DeVito's in town, you don't wear sandals." - Bob
  
  
• "You might get poked in the back, though." - Chad
  
  
• "What smokes weed in the animal kingdom?" - Chad
  
  
• "I do a lot of drugs... but I don't have a problem." - Jay
  
  
• "Your pickle juice squirted all over me, Bob." - Joel
  
  
• "...and I made fun of her for having crabs." - Jay
  
  
• "Joel can't read that little, leave him alone." - Chad
  
  
• "It's tricky the way bitches are." - Jay
  
  
• "Why's there cum on this shit?... that's ice cream." - Joel
  
  
• "Ass makes the world go round." - Jay
  
  
• "In two years, I may have a squad car." - Nick
  "Yeeeeeeehhhh..." - Joel
  "Jeff Bennett." - Bob
  
  
• "It's like the haiku of cum." - Joel
  
  
• "He's been trying to fuck that little slut for six years." - Bob
  
  
• "I gotta piss like a mother fuckin' werewolf." - Bob
  
  
• "I just want another drink...." - Samurai
  
  
• "You don't even need a Valentine's card, you get buttfucked." - Joel
  

 

More quotes to come very soon.....

I want to choose another path...